movies this week: bloodless feast

It was 9:00 on Monday night when my boyfriend and I declared that we would never watch another horror movie again. Or in my case, at least not for the foreseeable future.
I was grateful to Alamo Drafthouse Downtown for programming a lot of horror movies this month that I hadn’t seen before and wanted to see. Some were part of a tribute to the recently deceased art director Robert A. Burns. They also scheduled Suspiria. And when Shawn of the Dead was released in Austin, my boyfriend and I thought we should watch some George A. Romero movies first so we could get possible in-jokes.
However, after weeks of seeing Night of the Living Dead and not-quite-half of Dawn of the Dead and Re-Animator and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre and various other gory or frightening movies (I was tempted to count Control Room because Donald Rumsfeld looked convincingly zombie-ish, but I will restrain myself), we have Had Enough, Already.
Seeing some of these movies at Alamo made it worse, because in order to get to the theater on time for a 7 pm movie during the week, we ate dinner at the theater. We tried to get there early enough to eat before the movie started, but inevitably I would have a mouthful of fries during some blood-drenched scene and ugh.
Seeing The Texas Chain Saw Massacre while attempting to eat a pizza was the last straw. I think I will wait for another opportunity to see Suspiria because in the past month, I have seen enough Karo-syrup blood to fill up Sam Raimi’s garage. I am making an exception for Shawn of the Dead this weekend (I hope) only because people have assured me that it isn’t a horror movie, it is a comedy.
To prevent anyone else from having such difficulties, I am evaluating the movies opening in Austin this week based on their horror and gore factor. As a further public service, i am including my estimate of dining possibilities for these movies—what would be safe to eat, or if it would be safe to eat at all. You want to be careful. You never can tell what unexpected horrors you might encounter at this time of the year.

New movies in Austin this week:
Around the Bend—Michael Caine is dying, surrounded by his grandson and great-grandson, and out of nowhere his son shows up … Christopher Walken. No, he doesn’t strangle or knife anyone. This is one of those Heartwarming Guy Movies like A River Runs Through It. Not my cup of tea, although I have a sneaking interest in seeing Caine and Walken working together.
Horror Quotient: Christopher Walken’s presence adds a level of creepiness to damn near any movie. Could also feature hidden misogyny, which I find repellant.
Food Quotient: Apparently KFC has a big role in this movie (product placement? male bonding? who knows) so if you want to feel at home with the characters, you could smuggle some fried chicken into the theater.
Broadway: The Golden Age—A documentary of the good old days of Broadway (I’m not sure exactly when that was myself), featuring tons of interviews with tons of Broadway stars. Don’t they show this stuff on PBS all the time? Definitely looks like something that could wait for DVD.
Horror Quotient: My boyfriend has a real horror of show tunes, so I think this movie would be too scary for him.
Celsius 41.11—Gee, I wonder where they got the idea for the title. It’s supposed to be “the temperature at which the brain begins to die.” Cute. This is the conservative response to Mr. Moore’s documentary. I hope this movie dies the same quiet death at the box office as Disney’s “pro-America” movie America’s Heart and Soul.
Meanwhile, the New York Times reports that the group producing this film, Citizens United, is being sued by Philip Glass for allegedly using music from Powaqqatsi in the trailers for this movie without permission.
Horror Quotient: Depends on your politics, I suppose. Michael Medved is in this movie and he sure creeps me out.
Food Quotient: Find out what everyone else in the theater is eating and get some of that, because copycatting is what this movie is allllll about.
End of the Century: The Story of the Ramones—I love me some Ramones, so I’m hoping this documentary about them will stick around the Dobie long enough for me to see it. Probably not, but there’s always DVD.
Horror quotient: Three of the Ramones are dead (sadly), so it could lead to zombie-esque nightmares if watched in conjunction with horror movies. Exercise caution.
The Grudge—My boyfriend feels I am carrying a grudge against the lead actress in this film because I have been referring to this movie as “That Raimi Rat-Face Film.” (Raimi is executive producer; he has formed a production company for horror movies, Ghost House Pictures, of which this is the first release.) I don’t have any problems with Sarah Michelle Gellar but she does look like a rodent. Go look at her. Total rat-face! Sorry, Buffy fans.
The Grudge is an American remake of the Japanese film Ju-On, with the same director on board, Takashi Shimizu. The reviews I’ve read so far all say the predictable thing: the Japanese movie is much better.
Horror Quotient: It’s a movie about a haunted house, and no, it’s not based on a Disney World ride.
Food Quotient: Eat awhile beforehand and give yourself some quality digestion time if you are sensitive about rodentlike actresses. You can thank me later.
Pauly Shore is Dead—No, this isn’t a zombie movie. Pauly Shore directed and co-wrote a movie about himself in which he fakes his own death to boost his sagging publicity. He will be in attendance at Alamo Downtown during screenings next Tuesday and Wednesday (10/26-27). The previews looks kind of fun but they’re only a couple of minutes long—I’m not sure I could stand much more than that.
Horror Quotient: The ghost of Sam Kinison is in the movie, but that doesn’t sound particularly scary. Pauly Shore not being dead might be too frightening for some viewers, though.
Food Quotient: Wait to eat until afterwards. Who knows what Pauly Shore could do to your appetite.
Primer—Low-budget film, shot in Dallas, about engineers working out of their garage on nights and weekends who might have found the key to creating a time machine. Sounds intriguing. The Austin Chronicle has an interview with the writer/director here.
Surviving Christmas—Ben Affleck bribes a family of strangers to act as his own little family during the holidays. You can hear the writers pitching this script, can’t you? In 25 words or less? I recommend going to the video store instead and renting Bad Santa if you want a holiday-themed movie.
Horror Quotient: Beware of Ben Affleck. Beware of movies with the word “Christmas” in the title.
Food Quotient: It sounds pretty stomach-turning to me. How about having a nice dinner out instead of watching this movie?
Tarnation—The big surprise at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, this is a self-documentary made by Jonathan Caouette, shot on Super 8 and video and edited on a Mac. He filmed portions of his life in Texas from his pre-teen years to his thirties. The film cost him around $200 to make. I need to tell my little brother about this, since he just bought a digital video camera and editing software and wants to make his own movies. Perhaps it’ll inspire him.
Woman Thou Art Loosed—This movie has been surprising everyone with large box-office numbers in limited release. It was produced by T.D. Jakes Ministries, is adapted from a book by Jakes, and features him in the movie as himself. The movie is about a woman serving time in prison after a life of poverty and abuse and crime, whom Jakes meets and tries to help. The movie is playing in five theaters in Austin and I will be very interested to see how it fares. I think I’d like to see it, although who knows when I’d get to it.
Notable events/revivals in Austin:
Dr. Strangelove—Playing at Paramount on Saturday 10/23. I have been trying to find out if the Paramount is showing the pristine restored 40th anniversary print of this movie. Usually the Paramount is very good about advertising that they have a new print, so my guess is that they do not. Still, my boyfriend and I are going to see it because it’s the kind of horror movie that we can tolerate and even enjoy.
(Update: the Austin Chronicle says it’s the 40th anniversary print. Guess we’ll find out for sure tomorrow.)
Horror Quotient: Somehow this movie gets scarier every year. But also funnier, so it’s all good.
Food Quotient: You should be able to eat anything you can smuggle into the Paramount unless the term “precious bodily fluids” grosses you out.
Easy Living—Playing at Alamo Downtown on Tuesday 10/26 as part of the Jean Arthur retrospective from Austin Film Society. I like this movie a lot, but I don’t understand why AFS decided to include it because, get this, no print of the film was available. It’s not on DVD either, so they’re just going to project a videotape of the movie onto the screen. Why bother? I can rent that at Vulcan. Aren’t there other Jean Arthur movies they could be showing? (I know they showed A Foreign Affair last year, but I’d dearly love to see it again.) Since it’s a video source, however, admission is free for everyone for this movie only.
The rest of the Jean Arthur series will be on film and not video, and admission is free for AFS members and $4 for everyone else.
Food Quotient: The Automat figures prominently in this movie, and somehow that makes me think coffee and pie would be an excellent accompaniment. Mmmmm. Pie.
The Howling—Playing at Alamo Downtown on Monday 10/25 as part of the tribute to Robert A. Burns. Admission is $1. Even if I were not horror-ed out, I would not see this film at Alamo on Monday, because they are going to show that dreadful short “Mr. Pumpkin” beforehand (it has a cameo from Burns in it) and I had to watch it twice already before the other movies this month, and that’s two more times than I ever needed to see it.
Note to Alamo: the annoyance factor of showing the same short every week when there is a possibility of repeat audience members, and showing it at the time the movie is supposed to be starting, is on a level with Regal theaters showing “The Twenty” before their movies. I love you guys, but cut it out.
Horror Quotient: Obvious
Food Quotient: The Alamo’s root-beer floats are very nice and should not be difficult to digest during the gorier bits.
Suspiria—Playing at midnight at Alamo Downtown Thurs-Sat. 10/28-30. Dario Argento’s best-known film, supposedly the inspiration for Evil Dead and other contemporary horror movies. Maybe next year I’ll see it.
Horror Quotient: This movie set the bar for stylish bloodletting.
Food Quotient: Eat dinner early. Very early.
At home, we have Galaxy Quest to watch this weekend, a nice non-horror comedy that I haven’t yet seen. My boyfriend rented 21 Grams but I believe he’s going to be on his own with that one.
I still need to write reviews for movies I’ve seen in the past few weeks: The Front, Control Room, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom, and maybe something about Russ Meyer’s Vixen movies.
I don’t know what we’re doing on Halloween, but I know we’re staying away from anything involving crazy masked murderers, chainsaws, or the undead. Unless, of course, it’s funny.