what I watched on my vacation

I did not get to see one single movie while I was visiting my family. Not one. I wrapped all my presents before I got to town, so I didn’t even get to enjoy a little private movie-watching while wrapping gifts.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I didn’t see any single movie from beginning to end. However, thanks to the joys of family channel-surfing on cable TV, I was subjected to many bits of movies. We never made it through more than 10 minutes of any one movie, but I sampled some films I might not ordinarily watch. I don’t have any desire to see more of them, either.
Here’s what I watched (barely) on my Christmas vacation:

Bad Santa—This wasn’t on cable. My brother brought it to my parents’ house so my dad could watch it. My mom said, “Oh good, a Christmas movie!” and told me to get the DVD out and ready to play while she went to the bathroom, and then we could all watch the movie together. I got as far as the menu when I realized just how offensive the menu is. I thought about how my mom would react to lines like “I’m an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santa Claus.” I stopped the DVD and put it away and suggested we all watch TV instead. I didn’t want to be the one responsible.
Big Daddy—I saw an unusually large chunk of this movie because my brother and mom seemed to be very happy with it. Well, my mom made an “ugh” noise when two guys in suits at a party kissed, demonstrating they were lovers.
“Oh, that’s awful. Just awful. I don’t know why they have to show that.” She didn’t say anything about later scenes in the movie, in which characters peed against a wall in public, or brought a small child into a bar, and other vaguely vulgar things. Nope. But two men kissing? Awful.
I had enough after a scene in which Adam Sandler’s character berates his ex-girlfriend for dating an older man, and starts ranting about how old and ugly he is and all the terrible, negative qualities that older men might have. The guy in question didn’t look that old and actually looked like someone I might date, so I didn’t find that particularly funny. Not that I found any of the rest of the movie funny, but that’s when I spoke up. My mom must have agreed (I guess she doesn’t like hearing older men slandered, either) because she handed my brother the remote and hinted that he should find something else.
Billy Madison—Was Comedy Central having an Adam Sandler film festival or something? And if so, why didn’t they show Punch-Drunk Love instead? I only saw one scene from this movie. Sandler’s character is on a field trip with some small children, and he’s trying to impress the pretty teacher. To help a kid who wet his pants, he splashes water on his own crotch and then boasts to all the kids about how cool it is to wet your pants. The kids all agree, thus saving the original child … but if I were the teacher I’d be plenty pissed. Imagine having to clean up after dozens of little boys who thought they were all being “cool.” Urgh. Fortunately a commercial came on and my brother switched to something else.
Mr. Deeds Goes to Town—I actually wanted to watch this. I mean, I tried turning it on when it started so I could see a whole movie. I’d forgotten about the folly of trying to watch a movie at my parents’ house. It is best for me to watch something I’ve seen before, so I won’t get cranky at the constant interruptions. We started the movie late, no one else wanted to watch it, and I ended up watching only a scene or two, in which Jean Arthur tries to understand the mysterious “Cinderella Man.” I’d like to watch this movie in my nice quiet house, from beginning to end, at some point.
The Sound of Music—Believe it or not, I was the one who flipped through the channels and picked this one out. I was hoping for a brief change from football games and Adam Sandler films. I watched a few scattered scenes around the wedding, with breaks to make phone calls and to play with the remote to make sure something better wasn’t on. My mom has been watching this movie a lot lately with my niece, who adores it, so she petitioned for a change and we switched to the local news instead.
Babes in Toyland (1986)—We were speeding through the channels and my baby brother suddenly yelled, “Stop! Stop!” I watched as a young girl fell out of a car and rolled backwards into the dark until she plummeted into a happy land full of grownups dressed in horrible mouse and bear and kittycat costumes. Eeek. Then I realized that the young girl was Drew Barrymore.
I would have changed channels. The movie looked too dreadful even to be watched as a curiosity. But my brother said, “Wait, you’ve got to see who else is in this movie.” He remembered seeing it as a child. We picked out various assorted character actors—Eileen Brennan as some sort of shepherdess, Richard Mulligan as the villain, dressed in something from Norma Desmond’s wardrobe. “You’ve got to see who the boy is,” my brother said, and I waited patiently as suddenly the camera turned to Our Hero, Jack, and it was … Keanu Reeves, dude.
I grabbed the remote and changed the channel, despite my brother’s pleas that we wait to see Pat Morita as The Toymaster. I was subjected to the 1961 version of Babes in Toyland as a child and never understood the appeal. This movie was even worse.
(Wow, I’m reading about this movie on IMDb and apparently children’s author Paul Zindel has a writing credit for this movie. It’s a weird world. Maybe I could show it in a double-feature with the 1978 Little Women and lose any remaining friends I might have.)
A Christmas Story—Some TV station showed this movie over and over for 24 hours in a row on Christmas, so naturally it appeared more than once while we were flipping through all the channels. My dad lingered on the Christmas dinner scene in the Chinese restaurant. My mom stopped to watch the little kid get his tongue stuck (and unstuck) to the flagpole. And my brother wanted to watch Ralphie beating up the bully while cussing a blue streak. Yawn.
Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)—My little brother found this while channel surfing and told me to come on over and check it out. I had zilch interest in this movie, but he told me to look at Santa and figure out where I’d seen him before. While I tried to figure it out, he also pointed out John Lithgow and Dudley Moore. I finally gave up, hoping that my brother would spare me any more of what appeared to be a colossally dull movie.
“He’s Lebowski! I mean, he’s The Big Lebowski. The old man. That’s him. See? And he was in Blazing Saddles, too.”
My brother may be getting worse about movies than I am.
Saving Silverman—My baby brother managed to get through about two minutes of this movie before I realized what it was and started campaigning to turn it off, immediately. A couple of years ago while I was visiting, I watched the first hour or so of it with him and was incredibly offended by the misogynistic plotline. Any movie with a plot based on a guy being “whipped” (and not with a riding crop) is not for me, even if Jack Black is in it. Fortunately, my mom realized which movie it was too, and together we successfully convinced him to put on anything else, even a basketball game.
The ultimate result of all this channel surfing and piecemeal TV viewing is that I am less convinced than ever that I should get cable TV. If this is standard cable fare, I am happy to rent DVDs instead.