introducing … Ask Jette!

I decided that I have had just about enough of digging up information on all the movies opening in Austin this week, and then thinking of semi-clever things to write about them. Who am I to presume to write about movies I haven’t even seen yet?
I would rather presume to write about people I don’t know and situations that aren’t mine. So I have decided that instead of Movies This Week, I will institute a weekly advice column. Some people (hi Iain!) have been saying for years that I should be dispensing etiquette advice, and while I prefer to leave that to Miss Manners, I have found my own niche: the movies.
No, this isn’t going to be anything like Roger Ebert’s Movie Answer Man. Think of it more as being like Dear Abby for film geeks and the people who love them.
Feel free to email me with your film-related personal problems and I will address the most interesting ones here. Ask Jette! I reserve the right to decide not to answer any or all questions I receive if I get bored with this.

Dear Jette,
My boyfriend wouldn’t go* to see Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle with me. Should I dump his ass?
*admittedly, he wouldn’t go because there weren’t going to be enough special effects
—kismet
Dear kismet,
Rent the DVD one night as a surprise for him. Perhaps serve a plate of delicious White Castle burgers to accompany this fine film? Or if you really want to get his attention, greet him at the door wearing nothing but White Castle burgers and condiments. That’s a special effect he won’t forget in a hurry.
————
Dear Jette,
I beat someone to death with my popcorn bucket for asking a really stupid question at a film festival. Now I feel that I should apologize, but I’m not sure who to apologize to—the dead guy’s wife because I killed him, or the director because I interrupted her Q&A? Which is the proper etiquette?
—Stacey
Dear Stacey,
Apologize to the movie theater staff, because they will have to clean up all that mess with the dead body and the popcorn. Consider apologizing to film festival volunteers if this incident could prevent festival movies from being shown in that venue while the police deal with it all. Next time, please wait until the idiot is outside the theater before clobbering him. Personally, I recommend dumping the popcorn bucket over the offender’s head, which non-violently silences him and makes him look silly.
————
Dear Jette,
I have this idea that I don’t like Westerns. I’m not quite sure where I picked up this idea, because I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a Western in my life. Unless you count that bit in Flower Drum Song with the cowboys running around, which I think I probably shouldn’t. So I think I really ought to try actually watching some Westerns to either change my mind or at least have some evidence to back up my distaste. Only I don’t have a clue where to start. Is there such a thing as a Western for people who think they don’t like Westerns? Or at least a scientific term for “the way that a word like Western starts to look ridiculous once you’ve typed it several times in one paragraph”? I like new words almost as much as new movies, so I’d be satisfied with an answer to either question.
Help!
—Peckinpahless in Pittsburgh
Dear Peckinpahless,
Even your signature makes me sad. But fear not! The situation is not as bleak as you make it out to be.
Westerns are everywhere, even in Pittsburgh. You might think you have never seen a Western, but I bet you have, and I bet you know all the conventions of the genre. There are musical Westerns, comedy Westerns, spaghetti Westerns, sex Westerns, Kurosawa movies, weird cult Westerns, and even space Westerns. Some people consider Star Wars and Blade Runner to be Westerns. I suspect there’s an academic paper out there that proves the TV show Buffy was a transformation of the Western genre.
You mentioned that you saw Flower Drum Song (you’re braver than I am), so I assume you are not opposed to music in your movies. I therefore recommend you start with the delightful movie Destry Rides Again, which stars Jimmy Stewart and Marlene Dietrich. This will give you a nice taste of the Western setting and conventions. Even if you think Westerns are dull, you can’t resist Marlene singing “The Boys in the Back Room.”
Next, I recommend The Magnificent Seven because you get James Coburn, Steve McQueen, and an amazingly young Yul Brenner. Alternatively, you could watch The Seven Samurai.
After that you should be ready to try The Searchers and The Wild Bunch, both of which are excellent. If you want to top it off with Blazing Saddles or Unforgiven, go right ahead.
One final piece of advice: don’t watch any other Westerns right after seeing The Wild Bunch. I am sure that The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean is a lovely little movie, but seeing it the day after Peckinpah, it just fell flat for me.
————
Dear Jette,
My girlfriend keeps coming home with these movies from Jane Austen books. She doesn’t make me watch them, but they’re on while I’m in the house and it drives me crazy. There’s always some woman in it who sounds like she’s one of the guys from Monty Python.
—[name withheld]
Dear Unenlightened One,
That’s a very unfair judgment to make about your girlfriend’s taste in films. Besides, the last one I saw was Bride and Prejudice, in a movie theater, and it’s not like I dragged you with me or anything. I can’t even remember the last time I put on Emma and I’m sure you weren’t home, anyway. Go back to watching SpongeBob, mister.